JustJess
The first half of November was amazing. Completely stunning. With a lot of beautiful sunny days which made one feel like it was actually April, not November. Even some trees thought so, as they went to bloom. But as the end of the month came, I started feeling depressed.
I know I shouldn’t have. Because I was living like a queen and was working with a great family. I was safe and secured while back home people were losing their jobs and were living in constant uncertainty. I knew I didn’t have much to be depressed about but anyway… for the first time after three and a half months, I started feeling alone and having a bit of a cabin fever.
I guess the demon was hidden in details and small events that made me feel out of my skin. Like the fact that exploring the area was practically impossible. Temperature dropped and the weather really turned into winter. Originally I intended to spend my winter in museums and galleries but as the second wave of covid was storming around, all these institutions were closed. Chance of seeing something or meeting new people was practically zero. And God, how I was starving for these new experiences.
I never realized it before but these small trips were mostly what kept me happy and occupied. Because Au-pair work quickly turns into a routine. Cook, drive, clean, make laundry, repeat. It’s not much of a work for the brain and I was used to using it a lot. I’ve been trying to occupy myself with French, with writing, doing music and working out. But sometimes I caught myself in a state of mind when I didn’t want to do anything.
I know many people would probably want to slap me right now. Honestly I wanted to slap myself at the time. I had an amazing opportunity to focus on myself, take a pause and do things I always wanted. But I still felt like it wasn’t enough. No matter how much I’ve been working on myself, I felt like I was wasting my time. But that’s a long term problem. The one I take everywhere with me. The feeling that life is too short. And slipping through my fingers.
Then there were small things I started missing about my Czech life. If you leave out family and friends it was mostly food. An opportunity to go out for Chinese or Indian food. God, I would have done anything for a plate of chicken mango, rice noodles with chicken or sushi. Of course there are all these restaurants in Switzerland as well. But eating there is crazy expensive and I couldn’t afford it as an Au-pair. It was either food or saving for travelling. I couldn’t have both. Logically, I chose travelling.
I also started missing baking. A lot. Back home I had it as a hobby. A quiet evening spent on baking cakes or desserts. And after that I had to call my friends to come and eat them because I made too much. Here I have kids to bake for but… I can’t meet their tastes. Even when I pushed myself to make cakes from a local recipe book, they didn’t eat half of it. They are just used to different kinds of deserts and I struggle to find a way. But that’s no one’s fault. That’s just a cultural difference. But this one particularly made me miss home.
But there were other reasons why I felt depressed. Two of them were major issues. The first was that Christmas was about to come in 3 weeks and I still had no idea if I would be able to come back home for the holidays. Although the situation with covid back home got better, travelling rules did not allow me to travel without taking covid tests on both Czech and Swiss sides. And it was not cheap business at the time. I was looking forward to seeing my family and cuddling my dog into unconsciousness. But when I was looking at the situation, there was a high possibility that I actually won’t make it home for Christmas.
The second issue that had a lot of my attention was the decision if I will stay for another half a year, or not. My Au-pair contract was about to end on the last day of February.
It’s not that the family wanted an Au-pair for only six months, they wanted the whole year. But I wanted just for six months. Because I was not sure how I was going to cope with being away from my country and also because there were some long term plans slowly building in the back of my brain. And staying for a year as an Au-pair in Switzerland simply didn’t fit in.
We were discussing it briefly with my host mum. They would have wanted me to stay. It was quite logical. They wouldn’t have to search for someone new, then going through the paperwork, showing the person around, getting used to the person… and that’s probably hardest for the kids. Because as I saw myself, it actually took them two months to start using my name when talking to me. It must be really hard, taking a stranger into your home and treating them like a family. And repeat the process at least once a year.
So if I wanted to leave, my family needed to know before Christmas, so they could have started searching for someone new. It gave me 3 weeks to decide, which way my life was going to go for another half a year. And gosh, how I hated thinking about this.
There were many reasons why I should stay. Because my French wouldn’t be good enough after half a year, because finding work anywhere in the world would be still hard during the covid situation, because it generally made sense. But God, how I hate making decisions from reason. Especially, when my heart is pulling me in a different direction. The more everyone is telling me I should stay, the less I want to. It made me feel like a teenager in a period of defiance.
The thing is, I knew instinctively that I don’t want to stay more than six months. Not that I wanted to go back. That was never really in my plans. But… I wanted to move to another location. Get to know another place. And now that I was in Vevey for more than 3 months, I knew why. I was getting unfocused. And I need my mind to stay sharp. Moving would force me to pay more attention.
Anyway… there was 85% chance that I would stay. Not because it’s a reasonable thing to do, but because during autumn months I didn’t have much opportunity to travel and get to know more than what was under my nose. And there were still many places I wanted to see… like Sion, Lucerne and Geneva. I wanted to conquer many mountains and at least catch a glimpse of Matterhorn. Because the truth is, that I might never get a chance again. Switzerland is simply too expensive to come as a tourist. But as an Au-pair? My position is a little better. I am already here and I have a base to come back to. So that was the greatest reason for me to stay. And I knew I most probably would. Although there were parts of me who just wanted to leave… I felt like I was gonna stick with reason one more time.
On the 1st of December I woke up depressed again. But at least I woke up to a landscape covered with snow. That lightened up my mood! I couldn’t wait to build a snowman!
