Au-pair diary: 01. It all started at the end

The first half of 2020 was… strange. For many people, I guess. We were living our lives, minding our own business and then, just like that, everything changed. Closed theatres, cinemas, shops, even state borders. We were all just sitting on our asses at home, trying to figure out what to do with our lives. It was exactly at that time, when I started feeling claustrophobic. Not only from staying at home, but mostly from the fact that I couldn’t travel anywhere. Which was funny because at this stage, I wasn’t much of a traveller anymore, not like when I was younger. But there was this crazy anxious feeling in my guts, telling me that things won’t go back to normal and I won’t ever be able to see all the places I always wanted to see. At that time, during the Covid-19 crisis, I realised: ‘I can’t breathe’. 

To start at the very beginning, 2020 was supposed to be different. A start of something new. I had left a boring job to become a freelance cameraman for local TV, which was a dream job for me. I had a beautiful apartment, a loving boyfriend and so many career plans, that I was sure the year was going to be a spectacular one. After a few shitty years of struggling, I was finally ready to move on with my life and become… well… me.  

The plan was simple: I would work as a cameraman and a photographer, I would enjoy creating music with my band and in the evenings, come back home to the cosy apartment to spend some time with my man. That was the plan and then… Covid-19 happened. 

Well, what can I say? When man plans, God laughs. 

Within a month I was without a job. Within another it became clear that my man won’t stay my man for long. And if there won’t be a man, there won’t be an apartment, coz’ I could never afford it on my own. Too expensive. Alright for a pair but way too much for a single woman, especially, without a job. And above all that, TV and News were so overly positive about the whole quarantine situation… All the experts talking about how travelling would never be the same as before and that the borders may even stay closed as they were during Communism. That made me feel like someone was sitting on my chest. Anxious, claustrophobic and breathless. Funny isn’t it? It’s just closed borders. Just a security measure… 

I realised one thing: There had always been this dream about living abroad, hidden deep inside. I always pushed it away for one or another reason. But at that moment? With no job and possibly soon no relationship to hold me in the place? I started searching for options. I was asking myself: ‘What I could do abroad? Is there any way I could stay in my field and live in France? The dreamland I’ve wanted to live in since I was 17 years old?’ 

The answer was simple: No.

Simply because my French language skills were lower than elementary and my field was too specific. So I decided to take a break from my own camera girl dream and try a different job: a hotel entertainer. 

I even took a preparatory course and I was so excited by the job… but… I had chosen the wrong season. With the Covid-19 crisis still continuing, hotels were hiring only a few people and the places were mostly occupied by those with experience. So again… Nope, nothing. 

And then? It was the end of June, I only had a part time job as a food delivery woman and… my cracked relationship finally ended. I found myself packing my whole life into boxes and moving back to my father’s house. Home sweet home. But no. There was no way I was going to stay there. The decision had already been made. I needed to go. I needed to breathe a different air. At least, for a while.

After three months of thinking and struggling to live in patterns that were not functional anymore, I decided to take the path I had never even considered before. I would become… an Au-pair. 

At that moment, the more I was thinking about it, the more fitting it seemed. At home, there was not a job in the field for me, I couldn’t go to work in France because I didn’t know the language, and the Covid-19 crisis would make it impossible anyway. So taking some time in another country to learn the language, get accommodation and pocket money in exchange for taking care of some kids sounded like a good idea. It sounded like a chance to slow down and think my life through again. Because if the calling of an old dream became this strong, maybe I had been on the wrong path the whole time. Or maybe, just maybe, I needed to find something. Because everything happens for a reason. At least that’s what I believe.

At the beginning of the year I had my life sorted. I had my goals settled. I had solid ground under my feet and I felt like I was slowly building my life. Brick by brick. I thought the year was going to be different. But all that happened was ‘differently different’ than I could have ever imagined.