JustJess
I had three weeks. Exactly three weeks to get through all the paperwork, pack my things, say goodbye and go. It seemed like a long time but it turned out to be very short. Especially when some authorities were giving me mixed signals about things I needed to do. I could actually write a long article about the things you need to arrange before you go to Switzerland as an au-pair, but I won’t do it here. It would be boring. But I will surely write some guidelines for other au-pairs, one day, because even the all knowing Google is short on Switzerland!
The last week before my departure I had things literally everywhere. I didn’t even manage to unpack all the boxes from my old flat and I was already packing to leave for another country. I had no idea what to take and what I could leave at home. I knew I was leaving for at least 6 months and the weather would change from very hot to extremely cold within two months, so I mostly struggled with the choice of clothing. In the end, I left all my winter clothes at home. I was quite sure someone would want to visit me before the winter came so they could bring the winter stuff with them. (Poor visitor… haha!). And anyway… my winter coat would take most of the place in my suitcase! It is simply impossible to pack one luggage for 3 seasons!
During the packing I found I have disturbingly many clothes. That surprised me. I was never the one into clothing or fashion. So where the hell did it all come from? And why am I packing 4 pairs of shoes? I always had only two pairs… one for winter and one for summer. So why do I have sandals, fashionable shoes, a pair of sneakers and a pair of shoes for the mountains? I found out that only the last two mentioned made some sense. I was pretty depressed about this. How has the girl who only needed two shirts, one pair of jeans and one pair of sneakers to live, turned into this monster?
That was not the only problem with packing. There were other things I just couldn’t leave home:
Of course I have to go with my guitar!
Of course I have to take my camera with me!
Of course I need my microphone, because I would be still making voice overs for TV externally!
I realised that I was actually trying to move most of my hobbies to Switzerland with me. That there were things I was simply unable to give up in my life. Yes, sure I am not 20 anymore, I have some life building behind me but… thinking about it in depth, it was a shame. Being so addicted to things. How nice would it be, just to pack one small suitcase and leave it all behind? Not nice for me… I would be devastated, because small parts of me would be far away. So in the end…. I packed one big suitcase full of clothing and the stuff I needed for living, also a backpack full of electronics, the guitar and a handbag.
Did I feel like a fool? Yes! Totally!
Another depressing thing about the last week before I left was… saying goodbye. I had meetings with my friends, I visited my family… I took a lot of selfies, because it felt like I could take at least a bit of my people with me and because… I was actually worried I might never see them again. I am not usually pessimistic but you know what… life can be a bitch and you never know what happens. So the day before I left, I had my phone full of photos of my dearest, I had my 4 piece luggage packed and I was left with only my thoughts and the clock, silently ticking and counting down the hours until my departure.
Many people asked me if I was afraid. The strange thing was: I was not. I was not afraid I wouldn’t make it, I was not afraid to take care of the kids and the household, I was not afraid to live in another country. The only thing that was scaring me to death was… that I wouldn’t want to come back. Because at that moment, with my current state of mind? I couldn’t imagine building my life and career in the Czech Republic again.
So, at that moment, I was asking myself: ‘If this whole trip isn’t about proving something to myself, then what is it about then? Oh I know! It’s about a long forgotten dream of learning French. It’s about learning how to breathe again. It’s about reevaluating my life.’
But I guess the first thing I will seriously need to think about is my addiction to things. Life should be about people not things. But I am still taking my things with me, and leaving the people behind. What does it say about me? Nothing good I guess…It makes me think of a song I used to love as a teenager. The lyrics of this song are strangely accurate to my situation. So listen to it and read the lyrics. Because if I should write my feelings about my departure into a song, it would be very close to this one:
I’m standing alone by the road
Citylights far behind
Still hearing your voice inside
Whispering “Please don’t go…”
But i’m not your babe or property
And i hope that you understand
That i had to go, cos my spirit needs to be free
Not afraid of the thunderstorm
I am moving on, try to get alone
With everything I meet on my way
Listen what I say
I’m stronger person on my own
I’m running away, I just had to go
Leaving all and risking more
Whole new world opened up it’s doors
Towns and roads I’ve never seen
Finding some places I’ve never been
My guitar and old blue jeans
They stay with me, they are all I need
The smile on my face says I’m alright
Not missing a single thing
That I left behind
My future is right ahead
The wind in my hair
Blush on my cheeks
The chains are all released, finally feeling free
I’m cool and in control
Funny fact to end with: I didn’t take any jeans with me.
